Hero Worship

Posted on 2 August, 2008


Fundies say the darndest things is a little cul-de-sac of the web compiling some fascinating thoughts, supposedly all true. A couple of my favs include:

“In my opinion, if an animal in the wild like a swan is caught being gay it should be shot on sight, disinfected, and used to feed the poor”

“so you think if no one believed in any religion there would be no wars or fighting? i think it would be worse. i know if i didn’t fear god’s judgement i would have killed many many times”

“You are banned. You are not a Christian for Christians don’t accuse brothers and sisters in Christ of being non-Christian.”

“If we did evolve from monkeys then how come babies arent born monkeys…and how come we dont speak monkey?”

“If the Bible is wrong when it tells us it is infallible, then it contradicts itself. If it contradicts itself, then it is unreliable. If it is unreliable, then our faith is totally shattered and Christianity is a lie. You need to seriously reconsider your logic.”

“Jesus is not a Jew. Jesus was Jewish.”



Surely, if there is an all powerful, all knowing God waiting for us all in heaven he must find some of his creations a tiny bit taxing, to say the least? I know being stupid isn’t a deadly sin but there must come a point when, so jaw droppingly imbecilic are your thoughts, any God who exists has to be doing the Oliver Hardy thing.

I tend to imagine any God that did exist as a bit like a modern day rock star in regard to his or her attitude to their followers. Sounds odd, I know, but I am going somewhere with it.

Sure, Mick Jagger says he loves the fans and I’m sure he has time to sign an autograph here and there, but would he like to spend long evenings with the guy who can list every single b-side track in alphabetical order? Similarly, Beyonce will smile for the cameras but would she be willing to donate strands of her hair to tear streaming pleading uber-fanatics? And would Bono not cringe a little inside as fans indulged him with craven adulation? Well ok, Bono would probably be fine with that, true…

However, any “normal” rockstar must surely find their most devoted fans a little bit creepy at least. Damon Albarn knows inside he’s just a regular guy and the idea of a fan living their life through a warped devotion to him would surely be unsettling. As individuals who have achieved so much, rockstars must also find people whose sole achievement is a superb ability to memorise, collect and hyperventalate in the presence of their heroes a teeny bit dull.

Poor old God. I can see her there now, cramped in the corner of heaven by the cd rack , forced smile fixed on her face as the Creationists quote their most favourite bits of scipture. They’re all crowding round her, praising to the skies, singing off key, (except for one old Creationist at the edge, proclaiming “Numbers” to have been a por follow up to “Leviticus” in monotone tones). Could a God so all powerful and smart really enjoy herself? I’m pretty powerful and smart myself, and I’d be knocking back the booze faster than you can say Amy Winehouse.

The only hope for fundamentalists is that God is the kind of gal who likes a little flattery, likes to hear only good things about herself and has a messianic complex…so lets hope for their sake Michael Jackson really is God.